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The Saga of Poe Dameron: Resistance Hero (and very brave and handsome man who definitely didn't kill everyone you love) -- A Reasonable TLJ Summary

Before we start, I just want to point out that I liked The Last Jedi, and this is meant entirely in good humor.
Officer: General, there’s a lone starfighter approaching the ship.
Hux: What business has he here?
Officer: It seems that he wants to engage in Marvel dialogue, sir.
Hux: Very well. While I’m distracted, be sure not to fire on the ships or do anything to prevent their escape.
Officer: Sir, we can’t hit that X-Wing. It’s too small, and moving too fast for our auto-cannons.
Canady: Are you kidding me? You mean the thing our auto-cannons haven’t been able to do since the Death Star, like 30 years ago? How have we still not figured this out? Who was in charge of building this military anyways?
Hux: Hey, Canady, when the radio-thingy talks to me, how does the little man inside the console know what to say? Thinking about it makes my head hurt.
Canady: Oh, right.
Rebel 1: Alright, Poe’s hit ‘em with the Marvel dialogue, and Hux is trying to remember how to tie his shoes. Time to move in with Phase Two of Poe’s plan—send in the bombers.
Rebel 2: Got it, I’ll get the Y-Wings.
Rebel 1: Whoa there, partner. What made you think we were using Y-Wings?
Rebel 2: Well, we’re still using X-Wings. And Mon Calamari cruisers. And the First Order is using Tie Fighters. Actually, all of the ships and vehicles are exactly the same.
Rebel 1: Not this time. Let me ask you—what’s the one thing that the Y-Wing lacked?
Rebel 2: I honestly can’t think of anything.
Rebel 1: I’ll tell you what—a leisurely pace. No rushing with this baby. Plus, it doesn’t put too much pressure on the pilot, since the bombs are detonated with a manual button separate from the cockpit.
Rebel 2: That sounds really inconvenient.
Rebel 1: Oh, it is. Well, you better get out there. Just one thing, real quick. Now, try not to collide with anything because—and really, this is totally nothing to worry about—if the bomb bay brushes with anything, at all, it might possibly immediately blow up.
Rebel 2: Uh, OK. Well we’re not going to be flying really close to one another, right? That way none of the debris from the other ships might hit mine.
Rebel 1: Yep. Yes. Totally. Go get ‘em.
Leia: Poe, what the hell was that?
Poe: Uh, it’s called winning, duh.
Leia: You just got, like fifty people killed! And lost all our ships! After I told you not to!
Poe: Yeah, but I got to look good.
Leia: Do you understand the concept of orders?
Poe: Being a hero means never following orders, ever, even when I’m clearly wrong and it hurts the people around me.
Snoke: Do you know why I keep a rabid cur like Hux around?
Kylo: Actually, I have been wondering that. He’s really gullible and can’t seem to do anything right.
Snoke: Precisely. In this new trilogy, the way of the Dark Side is to be talked up as a threat, but to be constantly outsmarted and ineffectual.
Kylo: Wow, you really are the worst villain ever.
Snoke: Yeah, well your helmet looks dumb.
Kylo: I’m so glad I killed my father for you.
Luke: You think I came to the most unfindable place in the galaxy so you could just find me?
Rey: Well, you left a map in R2-D2.
Luke: I never thought anyone would ever suspect there was a map of my location inside the robot who has done all my navigating for over 20 years.
Rey: He woke up a few days ago and showed me the map.
Luke: Why did he wake up then, of all times?
Rey: That’s an excellent question. Anyways, the rest of the map was in some other droid.
Luke: Wait, where did it get the missing parts from?
Rey: Max von Sydow, I think.
Luke: Well where did he get it?
Rey: I have no idea.
Leia: They’ve tracked us through lightspeed.
Poe: That’s impossible!
Leia: Yes, it is.
Poe: So how did they do it?
Leia: I don’t know.
Poe: Do they have a spy on board?
Leia: I don’t know.
Poe: Is this some new technology?
Leia: I don’t know.
Poe: Great, let’s never talk about this again.
Rebel: Look, General Organa is alive! She’s using the Force to get back to the ship!
Poe: Amazing! Well, that makes sense, seeing that she was always Force-sensitive. Let me take a look at this majestic sight—
Rebel: Huh.
Poe: Yeah, that looks really dumb.
Rose: I joined the Resistance with my sister. She was a brave, capable, self-sacrificing ace pilot, who was animated with a compelling, non-verbal performance that made the audience like her despite a short amount of time on-screen.
Finn: Wow, she sounds amazing. So what does that make you?
Rose: I’m the other one.
Commander D’Acy: Well, everyone is dead. And because we couldn’t let a filthy alien have an important role in this trilogy, that includes Admiral Ackbar. To replace him, here is hitherto unmentioned Vice Admiral “Not Admiral Ackbar” Holdo.
Holdo: Despite my lack of gills or otherwise interesting character design, I am a veteran military commander who has won impressive victories in the past. The hour may be grave, but with sane, sober leadership, I am confident that we can survive this. Just so long as no one does anything completely idiotic.
Poe: Hold my beer.
Poe: ‘Sup loser. Don’t mind me, just Poe Dameron, Resistance hero.
Holdo: OK.
Poe: So listen, babe, I’d like to know about what, uh, “plan” you’ve come up with. Just wanted to make sure it met my genius approval.
Holdo: Didn’t you get demoted, like, an hour ago for compromising one of Leia’s plans by abusing your discretion?
Poe: Yeah, total BS. Anyways, honey, you mind just making sure I know every detail of this plan so I can tell you—loudly and in front of others—why you’re wrong and I think you should do what I say? And get me a drink while you’re at it, chop chop.
Holdo: Uh, alright, how about no, and maybe I’ll tell you what you need to know later?
Poe: WHAT. Don’t you know how cool I am? That means you have to tell me!
Holdo: I actually don’t. Do you know what the chain of command is?
Poe: Yeah, it’s where everyone does what I say, and then they die.
Poe: It’s a disaster, Finn. Holdo won’t let me, her direct inferior, order her around! She won’t even tell me every single detail of her plan, so I can disobey her orders! It’s ridiculous!
Finn: Wow, it’s like she doesn’t even know that you’re chronically unreliable and self-absorbed.
Poe: I know right!
Rose: I’m Rose.
Poe: Cool. Anyways, what are we going to do? We’re trapped on a ship with nothing to do, while Rey is training with space wizard Jesus! At this rate, we’re not getting any screentime!
Rose: I’m Rose.
Poe: . . . OK?
Finn: What we need is some choice filler. Something pointless, stupid, and bound to take up at least an hour of this movie that could be better spent elsewhere. Rose and I have a plan.
Poe: This plan, is it also reckless and bound to put unknowing people at risk of death?
Finn: Absolutely.
Poe: Then I’m in. We can’t tell Holdo, though. She’s a rational human being, so she’ll probably think this is stupid.
Poe: Alright, so let me see if I have this straight. You’re going to sneak abroad the First Order fleet. Which you have no clue how to do.
Finn: Yep.
Poe: Then infiltrate the ship through equally unknown means.
Finn: Yes.
Poe: And then find the tracking thing which we didn’t know existed until an hour ago. And which might not even exist, since we have no idea how they found us.
Finn: You got it.
Poe: And which we know nothing about, including what it looks like or how it works.
Finn: Ah, but we do know where it is. You see, I was a janitor.
Poe: Were you a janitor aboard that specific ship? The one that it is clearly a hundred times bigger than the others and has a completely different design?
Finn: I was not.
Poe: And Rose?
Finn: Rose will also be there.
Poe: I see no flaw with this plan. But if we’re coming up with a way to waste time, there’s one other person we need.
Maz: Buh . . . uh, what? So sleepy. Am I in this movie?
Poe: You are now. I need to find something for Finn and this other person to do. You’re my only hope.
Finn: Maz, I figured that if anyone knew the solitary person in the galaxy who could break First Order codes, it was a bartender I’ve met exactly once a few days ago.
Maz: Inexplicably, you would be right. Go to Space Monte Carlo. There, you will find a roguish thief and codebreaker able to help you.
Finn: Is it—
Maz: It’s not Lando.
Officer: General, an escape pod is leaving the Resistance ship. Should we fire on it?
Hux: Hmm, would that be the competent thing to do?
Officer: It would, sir.
Hux: Better not, then. Back to my crayons.
Luke: I refuse to train you.
Rey: But I really want you to.
Luke: Sucks to suck. I need to milk this mighty beast and— oh no.
Rey: What?
Luke: I felt a disturbance. Something terrible is happening. Finn is getting his own sub-plot.
Rey: Dear God.
Luke: Only interesting training sequences and genuine character development from us can save this movie. But we must work quickly. I sense something surrounding Finn, an awful grey void of pure boringness and terrible dialogue.
Rey: Finn’s new girlfriend!
Luke: The Force requires balance. Get me the hottest, most interesting boy you know.
Kylo: Ladies.
Rose: Here we are, Space Monte Carlo.
Finn: Holy shit, this place is lame.
Rose: Agreed.
Finn: Let’s stay here another eternity.
Rey: You seem really bummed, Master Skywalker. Are you sure that coming back with me and kicking a little Imperial ass won’t help?
Luke: Alright, here’s a brain-teaser for you, Rey. What is the point of all this?
Rey: Well, a master Jedi teaching the young hero the ways of the Force is a staple of the franchise, so—”
Luke: No, I mean this whole conflict. I spent my whole life trying to fight the Empire. I can’t even tell you how many friends I saw die, how many innocents suffered, to help the Rebellion. I redeemed my father, restored the Republic, rebuilt the Jedi Order after all of them were lost. And now, twenty years later, what happened? The Republic fell again, and Jedi were wiped out again, and there’s a rebellion fighting the Empire again. It’s still just X-Wings and Tie Fighters, and plucky rebels against evil stormtroopers. The only difference now is that my best friend is dead, and I have a sweet-ass beard.
Rey: Well, it is pretty sweet.
Luke: Rey, what was the point of all that fighting and struggle and sacrifice if we are always, always just going to end up back where we started? Why should I go with you and keep fighting if nothing I did or will do matters? It’s like we’re trapped in a loop orchestrated by a talentless hack director, one that banks entirely on stealing other people’s work and banking on nostalgia.
Rey: . . . Well crap, now I’m depressed.
Luke: Blame J.J. Abrams.
Finn: Well, we didn’t find the master codebreaker. This side-plot is a bust.
Rose: Maybe we could find someone who is like the master codebreaker, except not, and is far less trustworthy
DJ: ‘Sup.
Kylo: Rey, join the Dark Side with me. It’s sweet.
Rey: Listen, murderer, I’m not interested in— OH MY GOODNESS
Kylo: What?
Rey: Your chest! It looks like the front of an 18-wheeler! How did you get so buff?
Kylo: Holding up this trilogy.
DJ: Would you look at that. Resistance, First Order, both buy weapons. B-b-both sides are the same, dog.
Finn: Well, I mean they clearly aren’t, one of them blew up like 5 planets yesterda—
DJ: Both sides.
Poe: What the hell are you doing?
Holdo: Evacuating the ship, obviously. We’re about to run out of fuel, we’ll die if we stay here.
Poe: Evacuate the ship? When its barely able to move and nearly in range of an entire fleet? Traitor!
Holdo: Wh— I— How— What!? How am I the traitor? You’re leading a mutiny!
Poe: Mutiny isn’t treason!
Holdo: Do you even know what treason is?
Poe: I think it’s when someone prevents me from doing whatever I want, all the time.
Holdo: Poe committed a mutiny, held me hostage, and tried to prevent the evacuation that we both know is crucial to the Resistance’s survival.
Leia: If he had succeeded, we would have all died. And this is just hours after I demoted him for disobeying orders and getting people killed.
Holdo: I like him.
Leia: I know, right?
DJ: Got the d-d-d-door open, boss.
Finn: Wow, that was incredibly easy. I thought that Maz said that only one person in the universe could do this?
Rose: Man, if you can’t trust bartenders working in the Not Mos Eisley Cantina on Not Naboo for information of galactic importance, who can you trust?
Snoke: Is there a reason you’ve entered my robe-room, and interrupted my special robe-time?
Kylo: Remember how you told me that you made this room to meet women? Check this babe out.
Snoke: Ah, Skywalker’s apprentice. Well, time for this big bad to take a float on the gloat-boat. Adequate work, Ren.
Kylo: Yeah, about that. I just had a quick question: why are you here?
Snoke: I told you, Ren: robe-time.
Kylo: No, in this story. What purpose are you serving?
Snoke: There must be a master and an apprentice, Ren. It is the Sith way.
Kylo: I thought we were supposed to be different from the Sith. And if we really need that dynamic, I have the Knights of Ren.
Snoke: Oh right, they exist. Anyways, someone had to turn you to the Dark Side, right?
Kylo: Did I? I mean, I idolized Darth Vader. Couldn’t I have just turned on my own, through my own twisted motivation to break from the past? That’s my motive for evil—what’s yours?
Snoke: Young fool, you cannot possibly fathom—
Kylo: You don’t have one?
Snoke: Well, no.
Kylo: Alright, well what’s your backstory? Mine is really interesting.
Snoke: Uhhhh . . .
Kylo: Complex struggle? Fun performance? Sinister presence? Anything at all?
Snoke: What are you saying, apprentice? That I’m a worthless, needless addition to this franchise, included only because J.J. Abrams wanted a pet ripoff of the Emperor? That you’re an infinitely better character in every way that really should have just been the main villain from the start? That the best way to salvage this plot is to kill me off and take over that role now?
Kylo: Oh no, totally not. By the way, could you maybe just shut your eyes and not look at that lightsaber for a minute?
Snoke: Well, I don’t see why not— HURK
Kylo: Snoke died as he lived: being lame as hell. Want to relieve some sexual tension with a steamy throne room fight sequence?
Rey: Oh God yes.
Phasma: Ah, Finn! We meet again at last!
Finn: Oh Jesus, you’re still alive?
Phasma: Yes, it is I! Phasma, your nemesis!
Finn: You’re not my nemesis.
Phasma: Nu-uh! I’m super-threatening!
Finn: The last time we “fought,” I threw you in a garbage can. Why did they even bring you back? You’re never going to be taken seriously.
Phasma: But I’m the new Boba Fett!
Finn: Maybe the JJ Abrams field you’re projecting is making me forget, but I don’t remember Boba Fett feeling desperate and forced and sad.
Phasma: Alright, this is getting a little too real. Time to execute you in the slowest, most easily escapable way possible.
Rey: That fight scene was fucking amazing. Welcome to the Light side, Ben.
Kylo: How about no?
Rey: Wait, I thought we were doing Return of the Jedi?
Kylo: Yeah, you thought that. But actually, the same tendency that makes you see fathers in the strong figures of your life—feelings born from your parental abandonment—caused you to overlook the sad and tragic truth of my character. Your lonely upbringing and desire to have a purpose made you compassionate and driven, but also blind to my unbalanced madness. Now, we’ve reached the point that you and I both care for each other, and don’t want to fight any longer, but cannot convince the other to switch sides and are unwilling to do so ourselves, a tragedy of failed redemption and friends-battling-friends that combines some of the best aspects of the previous two trilogies.
Rey: Wow, that’s actually really cool.
Kylo: Well, what do you expect? One of these plots had to be good.
Kylo: I know the terrible secret of your parentage, Rey.
Rey: Uh oh.
Kylo: You . . . are not related to me.
Rey: Oh thank God.
Holdo: Admiral Ackbar!
Leia: Oh my God, Holdo’s gone to lightspeed and destroyed the First Order fleet!
Rebel: This has to be one of the most visually stunning scenes in this whole franch— Wait, can we do that? Ram things with lightspeed?
Leia: Of course.
Rebel: So why haven’t we done it before?
Leia: Because . . . uh, actually, why didn’t we, Poe?
Poe: pulls down chart You’ve got me. By all accounts, it doesn’t make sense.
Luke: I’m burning the special Jedi tree.
Yoda: Like hell you are. Check this shit, you will.
Luke: Whoa! You can summon lightning? Wait, can Force-ghosts interact with the world?
Yoda: A new thing this is, pretty sure I am.
Luke: Well crap, this changes everything! Will this have any kind of importance for the plot?
Yoda: Probably not.
Leia: They’ve heard the signal. No one is coming. It’s as though there’s something about our leadership and overall conduct that makes us look like idiots.
Poe: We can’t give up. Not now. Men of the Resistance, I see a fear in your eyes that would take the heart of me. But what we need now is hope. The hope we felt after I illegally ordered the dreadnaught attack, in which so many people died. The hope you had in the fleet, while I led a mutiny against my rightful officer. The hope I can still see now, even after 90% of the Resistance is dead due solely to my actions. I won’t give up now, not after all the people I got killed through my incredible bravery and heroics.
Leia: This is how a true leader talks.
Poe: We can’t give up. Because of what we are. We are the spark, that will light the fire, that will light the torch, that will be thrown on the powder keg, that will blow up the wall, that will knock down the dominoes, that will in turn push the brick, that will light the match, that will ignite the gasoline, that will start the other fire that will burn the First Order to the ground.
Rebel: Are you drunk?
Poe: The gasoline . . . called freedom.
Poe: My plan is so simple that an idiot could have devised it. We hop in these slow, barely working Ford Pintos and fly at the walkers in a straight line, screaming at the top of our lungs.
Finn: OK, but they have weapons that can destroy the cannon, right?
Poe: Probably not? I mean seriously, look at that thing. These little lasers are tiny, and that’s assuming they even work. This mission will be incredibly dangerous to everyone that isn’t me. I’m not going to lie: everyone here who doesn’t have a name is going to die.
Nameless Rebels: I really hate this army.
Rebel 1: Is there any particular reason we’re out in these trenches? They’re going to use that cannon thing before they even get close, and we’re right in front of the door.
Rebel 2: Listen, I’ve just stopped questioning why anyone does anything around here. Huh, what’s this?
Rebel 1: What, the stuff on the ground?
Rebel 2: Looks like it’s the author’s reaction to this movie.
Rebel 1: What? What does that—
Rebel 2: Salt.
Poe: Finn! Pull back!
Finn: I’m sacrificing myself.
Poe: That’s a reckless, brash, pointless move, Finn! If anyone’s doing one of those, it’ll be me!
Finn: Alright, Poe. I’m going to level with you here: it’s pretty clear that the people making these movies have no idea what to do with me. I’m going to just nip the next casino side-plot in the bud and end it all here.
Poe: But Finn, you can’t! Just imagine how many more side-plots you have with Rose to live for!
Finn: Roger, Poe. Full speed ahead. Admiral Ackbar!
Finn: Well, so this is a heroic sacrifice. Glad I’m getting that out of the way, since absolutely no one else is lined up to do one of those in this movie.
Rose: Interesting plot development? Not if I have anything to say about it. Admiral Ackbar!
ROSECRASH
Finn: Wha— Why did— Why!? I was going to save everyone! Well, maybe.
Rose: Because that’s how we’re gonna win. Not by destroying what we hate. By saving what we love.
Finn: . . . No, I’m pretty sure we’ll need to destroy things. Isn’t like, your only defining trait a desire to destroy places like Space Monte Carlo?
Rose: Don’t worry about that Finn. We’ll have plenty of time to develop my character in our next sideplot. I hope you’re ready for Episode IX, because I am never, ever, ever, leaving your side!
Finn: Internal screaming
Poe: Time to blow this joint. Follow me, everyone!
Leia: What are you looking at me for, follow him!
Rebel: But you’re the general.
Leia: Who cares? Follow him.
Rebel: But you demoted him.
Leia: That doesn’t matter now.
Rebel: But you demoted him because he disobeyed orders and got so many of us killed for no reason.
Leia: Well, he’s grown a lot since then.
Rebel: But he got almost all of the Resistance killed yet again only hours after by disobeying orders from Holdo. He’s the only reason we’re trapped here.
Leia: And Poe got demoted for a few hours, before I showered him with praise again. Sometimes, having no consequences for someone’s behavior is the best way for them to learn. It’s not like his actions had any real costs.
Rebel: All of my friends are dead.
Leia: What a little rascal.
Hux: Luke Skywalker is just standing down there.
Kylo: I’m gonna fight him.
Hux: Could you maybe chill?
Kylo: No dice, Hux. I’m Supreme Leader now, and you know what that means.
Hux: Uh, you need to be as incompetent as hell?
Kylo: You know it. Make sure all the troops are watching while I fail to beat up this old person.
Hux: Well, all the rebels are gone. I guess we lost. Again.
Kylo: Impossible! Snoke taught me everything he knew about being short-sighted and stupid!
Hux: Well, the student has become the master.
Rey: Oh, hey Finn! Glad to see you’re still alive.
Finn: I really wish I could say the same.
Rey: I’ve gotta tell you, my plotline in this episode was choice. Space magic, character development, betrayal, lost friendship, this one guy with pecs like two Death Stars, the whole nine yards. So, what happened to you?
Finn: Uh . . . I think I got a girlfriend.
Rose: I’m Rose.
Rey: . . . Her?
Poe: Alright, we managed to escape. How many people did we start with?
Leia: Six thousand.
Poe: And how many are left?
Leia: Six . . .
Poe: WOOOOO
Leia: Six. There are six people left in the Resistance.
Poe: Well, my work here is done. You’re welcome, everyone. Poe Dameron, Resistance hero.
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